By Lord Valentine Warner (Tom Tunbusch) of the Middle Kingdom, to the tune of  ‘My Old Man’s a dustman’

My old man’s a fighter, What do you think about that
He wears a fighter’s tabard, he wears a fighter’s hat
He wears a fighting tunic, and he wears fighter’s shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, he reads the daily news.
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a fighter, Just like my old man.

My old man’s a Baron, What do you think about that
He wears a Baron’s tabard, he wears a Nice gold hat
He wears a Baron’s tunic, and he wears Leather shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, some one reads him the news.
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a Baron, Just like my old man.

My old man’s the king, What do you think about that
He wears a kingdom tabard, he wears a pointy hat
He wears embroidered tunics, and he wears pointy shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, He makes the front page news.
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be the king, Just like my old man.

My old man’s a herald, What do you think about that
He wears a heralds tabard, he wears a wide brim hat
He wears a nice green tunic, and he wears sensible shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, He shouts the daily news.
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a herald, And shout at my old man.

My old man’s a merchant, What do you think about that
He’ll sell you any tabard, he’ll sell you any hat
He’ll sell you any tunic, he’ll sell his mother’s shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, His children shout,
PENNSIC INDEPENDANT, ONLY FIFTY CENTS
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a MERCHANT, And sell you my old man.

My old man’s a Pelican, What do you think about that
He’ll help you make a tabard, he’ll help you buy a hat
He’ll help you sew a tunic, he’ll help you cobble shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, He helps put out the News
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a Pelican, And help out my old man.

My old man’s a Tuchuk, What do you think about that
He doesn’t own a tabard, he has a fake fur hat
He doesn’t wear a tunic, he hasn’t any shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, He wets the daily News
And some day, if I can,
I don’t want to be a Tuchuk, Not like my old man.

My old man’s a Laurel, What you think about that?
He wears a completely authenticated, fully documented tabard,
And a completely authenticated, fully documented hat,
And a completely authenticated, fully documented tunic,
And completely authenticated, fully documented shoes,
And every day at Pennsic, He refuses to read the Pennsic Dailie Tidings
Because his Persona would not have been able to understand English.
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a Laurel, And criticise my old man.

My old man’s a stick jock, What you think about that?
He wears faded blue jeans, he wears a baseball hat
He wears a dirty tee shirt, and white Nike Shoes
And every day at Pennsic, he Fights
And some day, if I can,
I’m going to be a stick jock, and beat up my old man.